ARIES (March 21-April 20) This week, an MRI reveals that your brain is actually a computer, and not in the metaphorical sense. You have the whole deal: a binary CPU, hard drive, RAM, and even a wireless modem and network card up in there. Just be careful what you think about, because with the Patriot Act, the government has full access to your files. Are you scared? Not nearly enough, Aries.
TAURUS (April 21-May 20) Being stubborn can be a good thing, but only if you are correct 100 percent of the time. Don’t worry about that, though, Taurus. You are one of the lucky 1/12 of the population that actually is always correct. Kudos.
GEMINI (May 21-June 21) In your next archaeological dig, you will find a large book, which, after further study, you will find has been translated multiple times, is written by multiple authors across thousands of years, and is full of contradictions and inconsistencies. You also find that an entire civilization was based upon the writings in this book. It’s a good thing stuff like that doesn’t happen these days.
CANCER (June 22-July 22) Later this week you discover the tree in England in which Merlin is imprisoned. You decide against letting him out, because that might be a bit too disruptive for a modern society that is so comfortable and set in its ways. Besides, the prophecy said that he was to be encased for eternity, and it just wouldn’t do to prove a prophecy wrong.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) They say that money is the root of all evil. I don’t know who “they” are, but it is certainly “they” who are responsible for such train wrecks as daytime television, commercial radio, the second two Matrix movies and U.S. foreign policy. It is to be noted that “they” are quite rich. What does that tell you?
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) It is rumored that near New Orleans, the high water table and annual flooding cause the coffins from old graves to rise to the surface. If true, this must be the single most terrifying event to occur in real life. It is your duty, dear Virgo, to travel to New Orleans and either prove or disprove the existence of these rising graves.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) While the eight-legged Zlantharon that followed you home yesterday might be oh-so-cute, rest assured that Zlantharons are not good pets. Before long he will have grown to 212 times his current size and will have consumed all of your Pez candy. Be responsible and release it back into the wild.
SCORPIO (Oct. 24-Nov. 22) Being stubborn can be a good thing, but only if you are correct 100 percent of the time. Be wary, Scorpio. You are one of the unfortunate 1/12 of the population that is incorrect all of the time. Check your facts next time!
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23-Dec. 21) Your innate fear of lightning is not unfounded. In fact, you will be struck by lightning eight times during the next thunderstorm. Sorry about the bad luck, but that’s what the stars tell me. On the other hand, you will win the lottery, land a dream job and marry a model just before that. So I guess it kind of evens out in the end.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 20) You captain your 44-gun frigate, Patriot, into a glorious battle against a superior ship, a 100-gun ship of the line, The Impervious. Using brilliant tactics and taking full advantage of the winds, you lead your ship and crew to a stunning victory and a generous share of prize money. Huzzah!
AQUARIUS (Jan. 21-Feb. 19) This week, you discover the wonder of analog devices and invest in a record player. You just have to love that warm, round sound that comes out of 30-year-old vinyl. Furthermore, you can pick up some of the best classic rock records for under a dollar at flea markets. It’s a win-win situation.
PISCES (Feb. 20-March 20) Your band’s ambitious double album, though dubbed by critics as “self-indulgent, over-reaching tripe,” will sell six million copies, breaking the record number for double album sales. It will be regarded as one of rock’s true classics by future listeners, and a true piece of art.
