Vanity Fair — Reese Witherspoon spends most of the movie acting catty and lamenting the fact that she’s named after a peanut butter cup.

Ray — Gee, I wonder if it all works out OK and his life turns out to be like, meaningful and important and stuff. Do you think maybe he’ll go through some trials and difficulties and learn some lessons and come out on top and be a legend and all? Yeah. Me, too.

Shall We Dance? — No. And I won’t even let you buy me a drink, either. Go back to the bar and get trashed with your hick friends, you dolt. Play a Travis Tritt song on the jukebox or something. Don’t touch me, creep!

The Grudge — Apparently the title describes what the filmmakers have against the audience. Otherwise, why would they be subjecting us to this trash?

Mr. 3000 — Three thousand times the suck.

She Hate Me — Nah. She doesn’t hate you, Spike Lee. She just hates your movies.

Mulan II — A young animated Chinese girl desperately tries to gain membership to the Anime Club, failing miserably when they discover that she’s drawn by Disney.

The Karate Kid Collection — Mr. Miyagi could trounce the entire athletic program with only a pair of chopsticks. Hi-yaa!

Charmed: The Complete First Season — Saying this show is “charming” is like saying toxic waste dumps are “tasty.”

Contact Peter Suderman at spinnakerfeatures@yahoo.com.